You know when people say: “We make our plans, and then God laughs at them, and instead gives us what we need?” Well, this is exactly what happened to me.

While I once attended church religiously, it was mostly in reverence to my father’s admonition. And I once claimed to believe and agree with their “Lutheran” doctrines at my confirmation (and first communion). But I was really battling these heavy feelings of skepticism that the church and the Biblical God actually equaled “Love.” I struggled to reason about faith, had little confidence in God’s kindness, and there was no desire to study/speak about theological issues. On top of that, the deceiver, satan, spit venom into my childish mind, and I began to believe: “my life is surely without value, meaningless, and nobody cares about me.”

My identity was in sports from a young age. I was attached to the hip of the game of hockey, and after some poor decisions in my life around the year 2013, I became bitter at god – or (the puny self-god I had become). After being crushed with a series of accusations, my life was totally flipped upside down. My questions towards God became real and urgent, and people kept wandering up to me - wishing to comfort my soul with this news: “everything happens for a reason, Ben.” WHAT?

I dealt with major confusion after being accused of doing some things I didn’t do. Despite what was said about me, I fought to think and defend that I was mostly good. The Canadian media said that “I wreak of sexual immorality, and awful character.” I thought often, “Please, take a peak at my Instagram, I have the image of goodness. I visit sick hospitals and wish to make a little kid’s day better. I’ve helped the homeless out a time or two.”

Through this time, I came to understand that my striving to be “put-together” became my strength. The gym/ice became my sanctuary. This cycle of self-motivation all led to deeper anxiety, and while playing my first few seasons of professional hockey, a major black cloud seemingly followed over me. Serious performance issues in my occupation flowed from a restless heart. I was striving to stay in the lineup, but I only knew how to play the victim role in my mind. On top of it all, my image was dragged through the mud.

Sadly, I kept listening to the wrong voices—teammate’s who loved preaching grace and mercy, but no law. I became angry at God and made myself the victim over every other victim in my life. I shook my fist at my enemies. God quickly took the back burner – thinking: “He’s all knowing, perfectly just - why doesn’t He just slam down His Mighty Fist and allow the Truth to come out?” I had heard God’s Word preached to my ears from a young age, how on earth did I end up in this position?

I ended up in prison, a tormenting dungeon reserved for the ungodly. A gross place, where orange jumpsuits are exchanged for self-glory. My bones were crushed, I was emptied out, and no longer full of myself. I was in the whale of the belly, and like Jonah, it was right where the Lord wanted me.

Yahweh says: “every mess has a Message,” and I couldn’t have been further from grasping this at the time. It was November 21, 2017 and I understood nothing about Jonah’s experience in the whale. It was so cold in my prison cell. Fear was attacking me with increased panic. My heart was lukewarm towards God... but I needed something to fulfill me. I wept and pleaded with God like never before, my tears flowed, and my wrestling match was never ending. As my flesh pleaded for happy feelings, surrender meant nothing. In weakness and trembling, my mind had been prepared to give up on life - until a special moment in the Refiner’s furnace.  
 
I stopped pleading for help, and I looked down towards that old concrete slab. My prison cell had a distinctly dark Object laying in contrast to the cement-colored floor. I looked closely and saw it was a Book.

Was it a divine Message for my mess? Could this be another godly Messenger? Who could’ve thought this Word would be sent for my instruction? Jesus is a better Savior than we are sinners, right? I read from God’s Scroll for the first time, and even began to swallow it up whole. I couldn’t get enough of it. Wholesomeness and belief were being infused into my heart. My former vain attempts to regain strength on my own was being clearly shown. This was divine Bread, and I knew it!! I read through the entire story of Joseph and became increasingly aware of God’s Hand in his life. Prison for Joseph’s benefit? YES! Prison for my benefit, and God’s sake? My heart was being softened. YES!  

Early in life, Joseph had lofty dreams. He had received a mutli-colored tunic as the favored son, but his brothers tossed him into a pit and then sold him into slavery, which brought him to Egypt. He eventually fell into Potiphar’s palace but was accused of wrongs and sent to a dungeon for things he did not do. God was with Joseph though leading His every step. In the end, he became the second most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh himself.  

Reading this story changed my perspective. Through it all, there is no question God was with Joseph leading His every step – all of it for a Divine purpose - to save many lives in a coming famine. I gained strength from Joseph’s story. Mainly, whatever satan uses for “evil” in this world, God takes that evil deed, flips the script, and uses it for our “good.” He is glorious, and it’s all for the sake of HIS NAME!

I started to pray, “Thank you, Jesus, for prison cell experiences - in our weakness, You make us strong!”  
 
I also began to see how Joseph’s story directly links to John 3:16 and 1 John 3:16, pointing us to the Gospel. His experiences, as well as many other Old Testament accounts, paint early images of the Messiah, who’d come to take away the sins of the universe. Though evil was meant against Jesus, God used it for good to save the world from sin! It all points towards Him!  
 
As I reflect back, it’s easy to get sidetracked and begin to think, “all my mistakes were done from the same creature.” According to God’s Promise, it’s just not true. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” By God’s grace, I am a new creation. God took my old heart and made it brand new. Surely, it doesn’t mean I have everything figured out. But now, I can say that I have sufficient evidence to believe in Agape love, and the evidence is overwhelming.  

Thus to close this Victorious affirmation, I’m learning to “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4). Instead of victimizing myself in trauma, I am starting to look towards the One Victim (Jesus) who had every reason to seek revenge, but stayed silent. Rather than whining and assuming that God does nothing behind our curtains of affliction, I am fighting to rejoice and “count my life as nothing” for the cause of Christ.  
 
To close, I am convinced God uses all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He alone gives the sinner a coherent purpose that we all strive for.  
 
I pray my story helps you experience Redemption and renewed strength in your trials too.  
 
A wounded soldier who did not find Ointment,  
Ointment found me. 
 
With God’s Peace and love,
Benjamin

Thank you to Ben Johnson for sharing his incredible story with us!

My Name is Ben Johnson. I’m an ambassador of Christ who was born and raised in a small town nestled in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, called “Calumet.” I currently play professional hockey. I’m 29 years old, and I’m married to my sweetheart Aina. We also have our first child on the way, (due in January 2024)!
Instagram: @ben.john.johnson
Podcast: lets.get.deep.podcast